So I don't use this anymore. Obviously.

It's nice though... cause I know no one really looks at this that would be offended by what I have to say.

I'm too exhausted to vent. I'd like to scream and jump up in down. It'd probably look like a two year old's tantrum in a 22 year old body.

Fuck.

These walls are paper thin.

It's May 2nd and there's at least 4 feet of snow outside. My throat is dry from nothing and all I want to do is scream.

Back in Wyoming and all I feel like doing is breaking. I don't understand how everything can feel so good and so bad at the same time. I feel distanced from everything and everyone. And the worst part? I pretty much brought it on myself. At least I feel as if I did. I'm trying to tell myself that it's just the beginning of a new chapter of my life, and everything will be okay. I can only hope I'm right.

There is no good way to describe the past 6 months. I've been so down that I feel like I'm loosing myself sometimes. I hardly feel in control of my emotions anymore. I don't feel as if I belong here. Maybe I shouldn't have come back. Maybe I should have just let everything spiral out of control this winter instead of letting him hold on.

Mistakes happen.

Right.

Coming to Florida was the right thing to do. As far as my options went. Everything started a little rough, but after escaping to the Keys for about a week and a half life has been good. I think I discovered something in myself while I was away, and I like what I found. This summer is going to be amazing in one way or another. And I can't wait.

stuck & guilty

I feel like my feet are trapped in hard cement. I feel stuck, and I'm stating to loose my breath. I can't be myself here. I'm not happy to begin with, and now I live with my boyfriends mom and step dad. Both of whom I hadn't met before unpacking my jeep into their house. I feel weird being a guest in their house, I feel weird being a girlfriend in this house. Especially when it'll be over in a couple months. I hate looking forward to that, I feel extremely guilty and unworthy of the roof they've so graciously given me. I feel like I can't do anything for myself, I'm barely making ends meet with money. I just hope I don't loose my mind any time soon. Although, sometimes that sounds a lot easier then the current conditions in my head.

I'm ranting again, it's been so long since I've ranted. I need a friend, I need a shoulder. I just fucking need someone.

:)

I've never gotten flowers before. This makes me sad.

one day closer to going mad.

For the most part of my life i've had depression, insomnia, and fits of rage. These do not work well with my current lifestyle of being bored and annoyed at least 80% of every day. Fuck. May first needs to be here tomorrow. I need some mountainous boobs in my life asap.

164 days.

It's finally beginning to seriously hit me. Yes, when I found out Jessica had passed away I crumbled inside. But I believe that with death it doesn't really hit you until you're either at the funeral, or until you really truly miss the loved one. Although I've missed her every day since I've been without her, I can honestly say that I miss her most now. I'm mentally lost, and looking for a friendly being to comfort me. Yes, I have enough close friends that this shouldn't be a problem, but it has become a problem. I'm not looking for just any comfort, I'm looking for a specific kind hearted comfort. One that I let myself get sick of, at times despise. And now I'm looking back, and all I want is her. I just want to hear her voice, her laugh, her whisper in my ear when we're supposed to be sleeping but instead sneaking out. I want her hug, her high five, her fantastic smile. And I will never get these things. I took her for granted, I always knew this deep down... but it's beginning to surface.

I'm so honestly, deeply sorry for any pain that I have caused you, Jess. I know I took you for granted too many times, and I thank you for always looking past that. We had our ups and downs, but I can't say there's ever been anyone else in this world that loved me as much as you did. You always had my back, you always had something nice to say. We've shared the lowest of lows, and almost gotten into a fist fight or two. But with all that, we knew we always had each other. I want your embrace. I love you.