So I don't use this anymore. Obviously.

It's nice though... cause I know no one really looks at this that would be offended by what I have to say.

I'm too exhausted to vent. I'd like to scream and jump up in down. It'd probably look like a two year old's tantrum in a 22 year old body.

Fuck.

These walls are paper thin.

It's May 2nd and there's at least 4 feet of snow outside. My throat is dry from nothing and all I want to do is scream.

Back in Wyoming and all I feel like doing is breaking. I don't understand how everything can feel so good and so bad at the same time. I feel distanced from everything and everyone. And the worst part? I pretty much brought it on myself. At least I feel as if I did. I'm trying to tell myself that it's just the beginning of a new chapter of my life, and everything will be okay. I can only hope I'm right.

There is no good way to describe the past 6 months. I've been so down that I feel like I'm loosing myself sometimes. I hardly feel in control of my emotions anymore. I don't feel as if I belong here. Maybe I shouldn't have come back. Maybe I should have just let everything spiral out of control this winter instead of letting him hold on.

Mistakes happen.

Right.

Coming to Florida was the right thing to do. As far as my options went. Everything started a little rough, but after escaping to the Keys for about a week and a half life has been good. I think I discovered something in myself while I was away, and I like what I found. This summer is going to be amazing in one way or another. And I can't wait.

stuck & guilty

I feel like my feet are trapped in hard cement. I feel stuck, and I'm stating to loose my breath. I can't be myself here. I'm not happy to begin with, and now I live with my boyfriends mom and step dad. Both of whom I hadn't met before unpacking my jeep into their house. I feel weird being a guest in their house, I feel weird being a girlfriend in this house. Especially when it'll be over in a couple months. I hate looking forward to that, I feel extremely guilty and unworthy of the roof they've so graciously given me. I feel like I can't do anything for myself, I'm barely making ends meet with money. I just hope I don't loose my mind any time soon. Although, sometimes that sounds a lot easier then the current conditions in my head.

I'm ranting again, it's been so long since I've ranted. I need a friend, I need a shoulder. I just fucking need someone.

:)

I've never gotten flowers before. This makes me sad.

one day closer to going mad.

For the most part of my life i've had depression, insomnia, and fits of rage. These do not work well with my current lifestyle of being bored and annoyed at least 80% of every day. Fuck. May first needs to be here tomorrow. I need some mountainous boobs in my life asap.

164 days.

It's finally beginning to seriously hit me. Yes, when I found out Jessica had passed away I crumbled inside. But I believe that with death it doesn't really hit you until you're either at the funeral, or until you really truly miss the loved one. Although I've missed her every day since I've been without her, I can honestly say that I miss her most now. I'm mentally lost, and looking for a friendly being to comfort me. Yes, I have enough close friends that this shouldn't be a problem, but it has become a problem. I'm not looking for just any comfort, I'm looking for a specific kind hearted comfort. One that I let myself get sick of, at times despise. And now I'm looking back, and all I want is her. I just want to hear her voice, her laugh, her whisper in my ear when we're supposed to be sleeping but instead sneaking out. I want her hug, her high five, her fantastic smile. And I will never get these things. I took her for granted, I always knew this deep down... but it's beginning to surface.

I'm so honestly, deeply sorry for any pain that I have caused you, Jess. I know I took you for granted too many times, and I thank you for always looking past that. We had our ups and downs, but I can't say there's ever been anyone else in this world that loved me as much as you did. You always had my back, you always had something nice to say. We've shared the lowest of lows, and almost gotten into a fist fight or two. But with all that, we knew we always had each other. I want your embrace. I love you.

Get by

I have nothing to say. I don't know how to describe this feeling.

Homeward bound?

I don't know what just came over me in the last 5 minutes. But I'm crying, I'm back to being a complete and utter wreck. No, I don't like it here. No, I'm not happy. I'm only here for three reasons.

The first is to run. It's what, at times, I believe I do best. I don't like being home, I blame Michigan for all my problems and the best way to not deal with said issues? Run. I like to run, I enjoy going to new and exciting places. I enjoy learning their history, and meeting new people in these places. Second would be my friends. I have seven people here that I consider friends, and I've become to feel as if I hardly know these people. One person that I've considered one of my best friends I've only seen a few times. And none of those times have been under any just you-me circumstances. Am I over-reacting? Probably. Am I in a state mentally to care about that? No. Thirdly is you know who. This being is probably one of the most endearing people I've ever met. One of the sweetest individuals I've ever had the honor of knowing. But I'm just not happy.

I think I'm going to go home. Although it's one of the last things I want, I think it will be good for me. I've fallen in a rut, and I need to get out. I need to save money, I need to hug my best friend. I have stuff to do at home, I have people that I know I can just call when ever I need to. Will my house drive me insane? Yes, but that's what friends' homes are for.

Plain and simple, I'm not happy here. I don't have the money right now to go on some uber fantastic road trip and just float around. I do, or I can get money to take me home. I can once again unpack my car and live with my parents. I'll feel like a coward, but a smart coward at that. A coward with a triple digit balance in her checking account. I think this would be my smartest choice.

Or at least I hope so.

Three steps, so far.

There are many stages to unemployment I'm coming to find out.

First, I became excited.

I had a couple trips ahead of me and my birthday. Everything seemed to be fantastic. But eventually, after having fun with the trips and meeting new people it became boring.

Second, I started to miss working. Miss having something to do.

I've been here for about a month now, and it's been a little rough here and there. I was at first trying very hard to find a job, filling out a bunch of applications. I had an interview about two weeks after being here that went great. I had a job as a waitress. I was waiting tables at Red Robin, woo hoo. I didn't particularly like it or not. So, what was the only rational thing to do? Quit. After three days on the clock, I just quit. I am most definitely happy with my decision. I just don't completely understand exactly what pushed me to this point. I didn't like the job hardly at all, but I could have easily stuck it out. I could have found another job first, then quit. But I chose not to, to just end it.

Third, I became a bum.

For a bit now I've started a pretty bad habit. The habit of my day, where I don't even bother to push myself out of bed until 2pm. Where occasionally I may crack a bottle on that day around 2:20pm. I would spend most of my time with my friends that wouldn't get out of bed no earlier then 4pm for awhile. We would hand out, drink a little, watch something entertaining, laugh a lot, then go to bed. I'd hit the sack around 2am, while most likely just hanging out by myself in there until 4 or 5am. I'd just sit in bed and stumble, or watching something dumb.

And now that their gone and I'm really the only bum here left, I realize I've become a bum. I need to find a job. I need to get out of here. I need to be responsible. I need to be happy. I need to stop sounding like a broken record. Rant rant rant.

See you soon man.

Quiet and Calm.

Well, no mail today. But I did pay the rent and I'm not 100% broke yet! I've recently fallen in love with the show "Raising Hope". I talked to Hannah for a bit last night, turns out they got the car running! They're plans are now to leave Oregon, drive down the coast of California on the 101, then come here I believe. I can't wait to see them. And it's going to get awfully quite around here, Jessi and Tyler who have been here for a few weeks amidst their travels are leaving tomorrow.

Things are about to get exceptionally more calm and quiet around here. I'm just as much looking forward to it as I am not. I'm scared that with less people around to keep me company I may just go crazy that much quicker. But I'm trying to keep my head up, and hopefully that won't happen.

I slept until 2, it's 6. Why am I so tired? This is getting rather annoying.

Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.

Fell asleep around 6 this morning, woke up at 2. I laid there for awhile thinking, about nothing in particular just thinking. I thought about hypothetical situations and that amused me. I watched a movie, 'Chaos Theory'. It was pretty interesting, I haven't finished it yet though, it could easy go either way. Very good, or very horrible. It's one of those movies that you watch with no intention and have no opinion about until it's over. Mainly because you can't be sure if you like it, or absolutely hate it.

Uhh. I'm ranting.

I need to work on this ranting thing. Lately I've gotten too far into taking little stories and just running with them. For no reason, I just do. I've done this all my life but it's become especially current. So, where was I?

Started drinking at 3. This is my sunday, for the most part everything is closed and there is no use to waking up. This has become my look at pretty much every day. I have a hard time caring this week. I think i'm drowning in my own pool of emotion, and I couldn't even give a shit about it anymore. Wow. That becomes extremely depressing after you write it. It didn't seem that bad in my head.

This is my day. Oh! And bonus, liquor stores are closed today.

Life in Pirate Kansas.

The year is new although it feels the same. New Year's to me feels like a scape goat. Just something to help you run away from everything. And boy, do I feel like running. I've been in Arkansas for 3 or 4 weeks, and I'm more than ready to move on. This has made me realize that I'm young, eager, and highly depressed when stuck. I've felt stuck for most of my life, and as soon as I got the gonads last time, I drove.

I want to drive somewhere new. I want to see people I haven't seen in a very long time. I miss the excitement of not knowing how every day is going to pan out or where I'm sleeping for the night. I'm stuck, and I don't have the gas money to get myself out.

I've grown very restless in the last few weeks. I've begun to shut myself down and attempt to be on auto-pilot for awhile. I can't exactly put my finger on what's not right but I know enough to know that it has to do with my current life. Waking up each day at 2pm, drinking spiked coffee, watching some netflix, doing errands and chores only if they are a necessity, playing video games, and going to sleep at the most ridiculous hours of night.

I'm slowly going mad. C'est la vie.

This is my Arkansas.

I like to smell flowers. I don't like bees.

I like to laugh. I don't like to be laughed at.

I like to sleep. I don't like snoring.

I like to cry. I don't like to sob.

I like to use my manors. I don't like to be taken advantage of.

I like to be included. I don't like large groups.

I like to enjoy myself. I don't like to get wasted often.

I like to feel good. I don't like to feel out of control.

I like to look pretty. I don't like to try.

I like to be honest. I don't like bull shit.

I like to make my own decisions. I don't like things to be expected of me.

I like to see snow. I don't like the cold.

I like to be confusing. I don't like not understanding.

I like to be happy. I don't like this.

My best friend.

When people tell you to live each moment as if it were your last, do you take them seriously? Do you step back and think that they are absolutely right? Many of us claim to, but hardly any of us do.

While I sit on this hard floor I take a second to notice everything around me. A guitar on the other side of the wall. A car driving by. Leaves rustling in the wind. The temperature dropping far too quickly for it to still be August. The mass of debris piled on my dorm room floor. My wonderful Chip sleeping in bed. Voices passing by the window. It's all happening far too fast.

When I was 4 years old in Kindergarden I had no idea what it meant to take a deep breathe, and capture a moment. But instead I caught a best friend. Someone who, without knowing me, picked up my bracelet when it fell off. And how did I repay her? I stepped on her hand the same day. I only wish I could remember this. But I never needed to, she was always reminding me.

She reminded me of so many precious times we've shared. When we met. When we became 'blood sisters'. Every little thing that I let slip between the cracks, because I didn't know how to take in each moment. Yes, I was young. Yes, I was carefree. Yes, I'm happy that she was always there to remind of what my mind had let slip away.

But now she's not here. 20 years later, and I've lost the only person aside from my family that built me. Helped me become who I am today. In many aspects I greatly believe that if it had not been for her, I wouldn't be anywhere close to who I am today. Much of what I've learned from her or experienced with her, are reasons why I am me.

I can only hope that she knew how much I love her. I respect her. I'm thankful for her. I cherish her. I cry for her. I laugh for her. A piece of me died in the crash that took her tremendous life. A part of her will always live on through me.

With every adventure I embark on. Every mistake I make. Every time I laugh so hard I cry. For the rest of my life, I will live for her. I will experience everything I can for her. I will help her see everything that she has missed. I will live each moment as if it is my last for her.

Jessica Lynne Williams, I love you. Forever and Always.

one.

One more month of retail. One more month of Michigan. One more month.

Better make the most of it.

Life at Signal.

It's been almost a month now since I've been in Wyoming. And I couldn't ask for any other place to be. I believe this veiw is the most beautiful sight I will even set my eyes upon. It's gorgeous.

My room is great, but cluttered as hell. I wouldn't have it any other way. Our room mate is awesome, they do a rad job here of living situations. I'm on the top bunk and there's this weird water pipe for the fire sprinkler system hanging down, kind of worries me now and then if I'm going to hit my head on it ever. But I haven't hit it hard yet, so I'm hoping for the best.

The people here are the most laid back, easy going people I've ever met. They don't have a care in the world. Nights consist of smoking, drink, and talking all too loudly out side the doors of dorms 2 and 3. Or playing guitar, singing, and drinking in the dorms. Basically every night is a good one.

The job isn't too bad, I haven't ran into any horrible rooms yet. Or any disgusting surprising left over for me.

Tomorrow I'm kayaking to the other side of the lake, it'll be glorious. But tonight we're going into town for the Rodeo. It's gonna be a hell of a time!

Michigan, Illinois, Iowa - done.

Well, we're on the road. We left the mitten last night, and so far we're in Iowa 50 miles away from Nebraska. Iowa isn't super exciting, but it isn't too bad either. There's a lot of grass, but the landscape is amazing! There is also an amazing tree here in Iowa, with a fantastic story behind it. Wonderful.

Tomorrow it's off to Nebraska!

In the mitten

Everything has been very crazy and hectic lately. I've been prepping and trying to pack for Wyoming. I can't wait for this change of scenery.

Right now I'm just trying to enjoy my last few days in the magical mitten I call home!

Since when did everything get so complicated?

Had a nice conversation with an extraordinary friend today. We chatted about life, and how extreme everything is. How crazy it is that such life changing events can happen in seconds. And how while we were sitting in a bench at subway someone could be making a crazy life changing decision that could in part, have a toll on me.

I can't come to grasp the fact the I've already been out of school for two years. And with in that short amount of time, I got a second job, and quit the first. I've swam through many social circles, never exactly finding my niche... only thinking so. I've had so many character building experiences in the last 6 months, I'm still trying to catch my breath.

I don't understand regrets, what's the point of wasting life away by consistently focusing on the past. Yes, everyone wants at least one do-over, but why beat yourself up over what you can't simply do-over?! Nothing is simple, not even buying a gallon of milk. You have to get into the car, drive to the store, walk to the cooler, open the door, turn around, go to the counter to pay, get back into the car, and drive home. There isn't a milk man. Basically my point is, if a simple task such as purchasing groceries isn't easy then why does anyone think anything else should be?

How can people move on with such ease, and just leave something behind? Something that at one time they thought they couldn't live without, couldn't bear the thought of ever seeing the sun again without having that familiar feeling of comfort. I don't get it! Would 1 2 3 4 5 be okay if 4 was missing? Would mankind just become comfortable to the thought of 1 2 3 5? I could never imagine so. But then again, at one time the smartest people in the world thought the earth was flat right?

I need to get out of here, everything is messing with my head. Someone give me vodka.