Three steps, so far.

There are many stages to unemployment I'm coming to find out.

First, I became excited.

I had a couple trips ahead of me and my birthday. Everything seemed to be fantastic. But eventually, after having fun with the trips and meeting new people it became boring.

Second, I started to miss working. Miss having something to do.

I've been here for about a month now, and it's been a little rough here and there. I was at first trying very hard to find a job, filling out a bunch of applications. I had an interview about two weeks after being here that went great. I had a job as a waitress. I was waiting tables at Red Robin, woo hoo. I didn't particularly like it or not. So, what was the only rational thing to do? Quit. After three days on the clock, I just quit. I am most definitely happy with my decision. I just don't completely understand exactly what pushed me to this point. I didn't like the job hardly at all, but I could have easily stuck it out. I could have found another job first, then quit. But I chose not to, to just end it.

Third, I became a bum.

For a bit now I've started a pretty bad habit. The habit of my day, where I don't even bother to push myself out of bed until 2pm. Where occasionally I may crack a bottle on that day around 2:20pm. I would spend most of my time with my friends that wouldn't get out of bed no earlier then 4pm for awhile. We would hand out, drink a little, watch something entertaining, laugh a lot, then go to bed. I'd hit the sack around 2am, while most likely just hanging out by myself in there until 4 or 5am. I'd just sit in bed and stumble, or watching something dumb.

And now that their gone and I'm really the only bum here left, I realize I've become a bum. I need to find a job. I need to get out of here. I need to be responsible. I need to be happy. I need to stop sounding like a broken record. Rant rant rant.

See you soon man.

Quiet and Calm.

Well, no mail today. But I did pay the rent and I'm not 100% broke yet! I've recently fallen in love with the show "Raising Hope". I talked to Hannah for a bit last night, turns out they got the car running! They're plans are now to leave Oregon, drive down the coast of California on the 101, then come here I believe. I can't wait to see them. And it's going to get awfully quite around here, Jessi and Tyler who have been here for a few weeks amidst their travels are leaving tomorrow.

Things are about to get exceptionally more calm and quiet around here. I'm just as much looking forward to it as I am not. I'm scared that with less people around to keep me company I may just go crazy that much quicker. But I'm trying to keep my head up, and hopefully that won't happen.

I slept until 2, it's 6. Why am I so tired? This is getting rather annoying.

Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.

Fell asleep around 6 this morning, woke up at 2. I laid there for awhile thinking, about nothing in particular just thinking. I thought about hypothetical situations and that amused me. I watched a movie, 'Chaos Theory'. It was pretty interesting, I haven't finished it yet though, it could easy go either way. Very good, or very horrible. It's one of those movies that you watch with no intention and have no opinion about until it's over. Mainly because you can't be sure if you like it, or absolutely hate it.

Uhh. I'm ranting.

I need to work on this ranting thing. Lately I've gotten too far into taking little stories and just running with them. For no reason, I just do. I've done this all my life but it's become especially current. So, where was I?

Started drinking at 3. This is my sunday, for the most part everything is closed and there is no use to waking up. This has become my look at pretty much every day. I have a hard time caring this week. I think i'm drowning in my own pool of emotion, and I couldn't even give a shit about it anymore. Wow. That becomes extremely depressing after you write it. It didn't seem that bad in my head.

This is my day. Oh! And bonus, liquor stores are closed today.

Life in Pirate Kansas.

The year is new although it feels the same. New Year's to me feels like a scape goat. Just something to help you run away from everything. And boy, do I feel like running. I've been in Arkansas for 3 or 4 weeks, and I'm more than ready to move on. This has made me realize that I'm young, eager, and highly depressed when stuck. I've felt stuck for most of my life, and as soon as I got the gonads last time, I drove.

I want to drive somewhere new. I want to see people I haven't seen in a very long time. I miss the excitement of not knowing how every day is going to pan out or where I'm sleeping for the night. I'm stuck, and I don't have the gas money to get myself out.

I've grown very restless in the last few weeks. I've begun to shut myself down and attempt to be on auto-pilot for awhile. I can't exactly put my finger on what's not right but I know enough to know that it has to do with my current life. Waking up each day at 2pm, drinking spiked coffee, watching some netflix, doing errands and chores only if they are a necessity, playing video games, and going to sleep at the most ridiculous hours of night.

I'm slowly going mad. C'est la vie.

This is my Arkansas.

I like to smell flowers. I don't like bees.

I like to laugh. I don't like to be laughed at.

I like to sleep. I don't like snoring.

I like to cry. I don't like to sob.

I like to use my manors. I don't like to be taken advantage of.

I like to be included. I don't like large groups.

I like to enjoy myself. I don't like to get wasted often.

I like to feel good. I don't like to feel out of control.

I like to look pretty. I don't like to try.

I like to be honest. I don't like bull shit.

I like to make my own decisions. I don't like things to be expected of me.

I like to see snow. I don't like the cold.

I like to be confusing. I don't like not understanding.

I like to be happy. I don't like this.

My best friend.

When people tell you to live each moment as if it were your last, do you take them seriously? Do you step back and think that they are absolutely right? Many of us claim to, but hardly any of us do.

While I sit on this hard floor I take a second to notice everything around me. A guitar on the other side of the wall. A car driving by. Leaves rustling in the wind. The temperature dropping far too quickly for it to still be August. The mass of debris piled on my dorm room floor. My wonderful Chip sleeping in bed. Voices passing by the window. It's all happening far too fast.

When I was 4 years old in Kindergarden I had no idea what it meant to take a deep breathe, and capture a moment. But instead I caught a best friend. Someone who, without knowing me, picked up my bracelet when it fell off. And how did I repay her? I stepped on her hand the same day. I only wish I could remember this. But I never needed to, she was always reminding me.

She reminded me of so many precious times we've shared. When we met. When we became 'blood sisters'. Every little thing that I let slip between the cracks, because I didn't know how to take in each moment. Yes, I was young. Yes, I was carefree. Yes, I'm happy that she was always there to remind of what my mind had let slip away.

But now she's not here. 20 years later, and I've lost the only person aside from my family that built me. Helped me become who I am today. In many aspects I greatly believe that if it had not been for her, I wouldn't be anywhere close to who I am today. Much of what I've learned from her or experienced with her, are reasons why I am me.

I can only hope that she knew how much I love her. I respect her. I'm thankful for her. I cherish her. I cry for her. I laugh for her. A piece of me died in the crash that took her tremendous life. A part of her will always live on through me.

With every adventure I embark on. Every mistake I make. Every time I laugh so hard I cry. For the rest of my life, I will live for her. I will experience everything I can for her. I will help her see everything that she has missed. I will live each moment as if it is my last for her.

Jessica Lynne Williams, I love you. Forever and Always.

one.

One more month of retail. One more month of Michigan. One more month.

Better make the most of it.