stuck & guilty

I feel like my feet are trapped in hard cement. I feel stuck, and I'm stating to loose my breath. I can't be myself here. I'm not happy to begin with, and now I live with my boyfriends mom and step dad. Both of whom I hadn't met before unpacking my jeep into their house. I feel weird being a guest in their house, I feel weird being a girlfriend in this house. Especially when it'll be over in a couple months. I hate looking forward to that, I feel extremely guilty and unworthy of the roof they've so graciously given me. I feel like I can't do anything for myself, I'm barely making ends meet with money. I just hope I don't loose my mind any time soon. Although, sometimes that sounds a lot easier then the current conditions in my head.

I'm ranting again, it's been so long since I've ranted. I need a friend, I need a shoulder. I just fucking need someone.

:)

I've never gotten flowers before. This makes me sad.

one day closer to going mad.

For the most part of my life i've had depression, insomnia, and fits of rage. These do not work well with my current lifestyle of being bored and annoyed at least 80% of every day. Fuck. May first needs to be here tomorrow. I need some mountainous boobs in my life asap.

164 days.

It's finally beginning to seriously hit me. Yes, when I found out Jessica had passed away I crumbled inside. But I believe that with death it doesn't really hit you until you're either at the funeral, or until you really truly miss the loved one. Although I've missed her every day since I've been without her, I can honestly say that I miss her most now. I'm mentally lost, and looking for a friendly being to comfort me. Yes, I have enough close friends that this shouldn't be a problem, but it has become a problem. I'm not looking for just any comfort, I'm looking for a specific kind hearted comfort. One that I let myself get sick of, at times despise. And now I'm looking back, and all I want is her. I just want to hear her voice, her laugh, her whisper in my ear when we're supposed to be sleeping but instead sneaking out. I want her hug, her high five, her fantastic smile. And I will never get these things. I took her for granted, I always knew this deep down... but it's beginning to surface.

I'm so honestly, deeply sorry for any pain that I have caused you, Jess. I know I took you for granted too many times, and I thank you for always looking past that. We had our ups and downs, but I can't say there's ever been anyone else in this world that loved me as much as you did. You always had my back, you always had something nice to say. We've shared the lowest of lows, and almost gotten into a fist fight or two. But with all that, we knew we always had each other. I want your embrace. I love you.

Get by

I have nothing to say. I don't know how to describe this feeling.

Homeward bound?

I don't know what just came over me in the last 5 minutes. But I'm crying, I'm back to being a complete and utter wreck. No, I don't like it here. No, I'm not happy. I'm only here for three reasons.

The first is to run. It's what, at times, I believe I do best. I don't like being home, I blame Michigan for all my problems and the best way to not deal with said issues? Run. I like to run, I enjoy going to new and exciting places. I enjoy learning their history, and meeting new people in these places. Second would be my friends. I have seven people here that I consider friends, and I've become to feel as if I hardly know these people. One person that I've considered one of my best friends I've only seen a few times. And none of those times have been under any just you-me circumstances. Am I over-reacting? Probably. Am I in a state mentally to care about that? No. Thirdly is you know who. This being is probably one of the most endearing people I've ever met. One of the sweetest individuals I've ever had the honor of knowing. But I'm just not happy.

I think I'm going to go home. Although it's one of the last things I want, I think it will be good for me. I've fallen in a rut, and I need to get out. I need to save money, I need to hug my best friend. I have stuff to do at home, I have people that I know I can just call when ever I need to. Will my house drive me insane? Yes, but that's what friends' homes are for.

Plain and simple, I'm not happy here. I don't have the money right now to go on some uber fantastic road trip and just float around. I do, or I can get money to take me home. I can once again unpack my car and live with my parents. I'll feel like a coward, but a smart coward at that. A coward with a triple digit balance in her checking account. I think this would be my smartest choice.

Or at least I hope so.

Three steps, so far.

There are many stages to unemployment I'm coming to find out.

First, I became excited.

I had a couple trips ahead of me and my birthday. Everything seemed to be fantastic. But eventually, after having fun with the trips and meeting new people it became boring.

Second, I started to miss working. Miss having something to do.

I've been here for about a month now, and it's been a little rough here and there. I was at first trying very hard to find a job, filling out a bunch of applications. I had an interview about two weeks after being here that went great. I had a job as a waitress. I was waiting tables at Red Robin, woo hoo. I didn't particularly like it or not. So, what was the only rational thing to do? Quit. After three days on the clock, I just quit. I am most definitely happy with my decision. I just don't completely understand exactly what pushed me to this point. I didn't like the job hardly at all, but I could have easily stuck it out. I could have found another job first, then quit. But I chose not to, to just end it.

Third, I became a bum.

For a bit now I've started a pretty bad habit. The habit of my day, where I don't even bother to push myself out of bed until 2pm. Where occasionally I may crack a bottle on that day around 2:20pm. I would spend most of my time with my friends that wouldn't get out of bed no earlier then 4pm for awhile. We would hand out, drink a little, watch something entertaining, laugh a lot, then go to bed. I'd hit the sack around 2am, while most likely just hanging out by myself in there until 4 or 5am. I'd just sit in bed and stumble, or watching something dumb.

And now that their gone and I'm really the only bum here left, I realize I've become a bum. I need to find a job. I need to get out of here. I need to be responsible. I need to be happy. I need to stop sounding like a broken record. Rant rant rant.

See you soon man.