:)

I've never gotten flowers before. This makes me sad.

one day closer to going mad.

For the most part of my life i've had depression, insomnia, and fits of rage. These do not work well with my current lifestyle of being bored and annoyed at least 80% of every day. Fuck. May first needs to be here tomorrow. I need some mountainous boobs in my life asap.

164 days.

It's finally beginning to seriously hit me. Yes, when I found out Jessica had passed away I crumbled inside. But I believe that with death it doesn't really hit you until you're either at the funeral, or until you really truly miss the loved one. Although I've missed her every day since I've been without her, I can honestly say that I miss her most now. I'm mentally lost, and looking for a friendly being to comfort me. Yes, I have enough close friends that this shouldn't be a problem, but it has become a problem. I'm not looking for just any comfort, I'm looking for a specific kind hearted comfort. One that I let myself get sick of, at times despise. And now I'm looking back, and all I want is her. I just want to hear her voice, her laugh, her whisper in my ear when we're supposed to be sleeping but instead sneaking out. I want her hug, her high five, her fantastic smile. And I will never get these things. I took her for granted, I always knew this deep down... but it's beginning to surface.

I'm so honestly, deeply sorry for any pain that I have caused you, Jess. I know I took you for granted too many times, and I thank you for always looking past that. We had our ups and downs, but I can't say there's ever been anyone else in this world that loved me as much as you did. You always had my back, you always had something nice to say. We've shared the lowest of lows, and almost gotten into a fist fight or two. But with all that, we knew we always had each other. I want your embrace. I love you.

Get by

I have nothing to say. I don't know how to describe this feeling.

Homeward bound?

I don't know what just came over me in the last 5 minutes. But I'm crying, I'm back to being a complete and utter wreck. No, I don't like it here. No, I'm not happy. I'm only here for three reasons.

The first is to run. It's what, at times, I believe I do best. I don't like being home, I blame Michigan for all my problems and the best way to not deal with said issues? Run. I like to run, I enjoy going to new and exciting places. I enjoy learning their history, and meeting new people in these places. Second would be my friends. I have seven people here that I consider friends, and I've become to feel as if I hardly know these people. One person that I've considered one of my best friends I've only seen a few times. And none of those times have been under any just you-me circumstances. Am I over-reacting? Probably. Am I in a state mentally to care about that? No. Thirdly is you know who. This being is probably one of the most endearing people I've ever met. One of the sweetest individuals I've ever had the honor of knowing. But I'm just not happy.

I think I'm going to go home. Although it's one of the last things I want, I think it will be good for me. I've fallen in a rut, and I need to get out. I need to save money, I need to hug my best friend. I have stuff to do at home, I have people that I know I can just call when ever I need to. Will my house drive me insane? Yes, but that's what friends' homes are for.

Plain and simple, I'm not happy here. I don't have the money right now to go on some uber fantastic road trip and just float around. I do, or I can get money to take me home. I can once again unpack my car and live with my parents. I'll feel like a coward, but a smart coward at that. A coward with a triple digit balance in her checking account. I think this would be my smartest choice.

Or at least I hope so.

Three steps, so far.

There are many stages to unemployment I'm coming to find out.

First, I became excited.

I had a couple trips ahead of me and my birthday. Everything seemed to be fantastic. But eventually, after having fun with the trips and meeting new people it became boring.

Second, I started to miss working. Miss having something to do.

I've been here for about a month now, and it's been a little rough here and there. I was at first trying very hard to find a job, filling out a bunch of applications. I had an interview about two weeks after being here that went great. I had a job as a waitress. I was waiting tables at Red Robin, woo hoo. I didn't particularly like it or not. So, what was the only rational thing to do? Quit. After three days on the clock, I just quit. I am most definitely happy with my decision. I just don't completely understand exactly what pushed me to this point. I didn't like the job hardly at all, but I could have easily stuck it out. I could have found another job first, then quit. But I chose not to, to just end it.

Third, I became a bum.

For a bit now I've started a pretty bad habit. The habit of my day, where I don't even bother to push myself out of bed until 2pm. Where occasionally I may crack a bottle on that day around 2:20pm. I would spend most of my time with my friends that wouldn't get out of bed no earlier then 4pm for awhile. We would hand out, drink a little, watch something entertaining, laugh a lot, then go to bed. I'd hit the sack around 2am, while most likely just hanging out by myself in there until 4 or 5am. I'd just sit in bed and stumble, or watching something dumb.

And now that their gone and I'm really the only bum here left, I realize I've become a bum. I need to find a job. I need to get out of here. I need to be responsible. I need to be happy. I need to stop sounding like a broken record. Rant rant rant.

See you soon man.

Quiet and Calm.

Well, no mail today. But I did pay the rent and I'm not 100% broke yet! I've recently fallen in love with the show "Raising Hope". I talked to Hannah for a bit last night, turns out they got the car running! They're plans are now to leave Oregon, drive down the coast of California on the 101, then come here I believe. I can't wait to see them. And it's going to get awfully quite around here, Jessi and Tyler who have been here for a few weeks amidst their travels are leaving tomorrow.

Things are about to get exceptionally more calm and quiet around here. I'm just as much looking forward to it as I am not. I'm scared that with less people around to keep me company I may just go crazy that much quicker. But I'm trying to keep my head up, and hopefully that won't happen.

I slept until 2, it's 6. Why am I so tired? This is getting rather annoying.

Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.

Fell asleep around 6 this morning, woke up at 2. I laid there for awhile thinking, about nothing in particular just thinking. I thought about hypothetical situations and that amused me. I watched a movie, 'Chaos Theory'. It was pretty interesting, I haven't finished it yet though, it could easy go either way. Very good, or very horrible. It's one of those movies that you watch with no intention and have no opinion about until it's over. Mainly because you can't be sure if you like it, or absolutely hate it.

Uhh. I'm ranting.

I need to work on this ranting thing. Lately I've gotten too far into taking little stories and just running with them. For no reason, I just do. I've done this all my life but it's become especially current. So, where was I?

Started drinking at 3. This is my sunday, for the most part everything is closed and there is no use to waking up. This has become my look at pretty much every day. I have a hard time caring this week. I think i'm drowning in my own pool of emotion, and I couldn't even give a shit about it anymore. Wow. That becomes extremely depressing after you write it. It didn't seem that bad in my head.

This is my day. Oh! And bonus, liquor stores are closed today.

Life in Pirate Kansas.

The year is new although it feels the same. New Year's to me feels like a scape goat. Just something to help you run away from everything. And boy, do I feel like running. I've been in Arkansas for 3 or 4 weeks, and I'm more than ready to move on. This has made me realize that I'm young, eager, and highly depressed when stuck. I've felt stuck for most of my life, and as soon as I got the gonads last time, I drove.

I want to drive somewhere new. I want to see people I haven't seen in a very long time. I miss the excitement of not knowing how every day is going to pan out or where I'm sleeping for the night. I'm stuck, and I don't have the gas money to get myself out.

I've grown very restless in the last few weeks. I've begun to shut myself down and attempt to be on auto-pilot for awhile. I can't exactly put my finger on what's not right but I know enough to know that it has to do with my current life. Waking up each day at 2pm, drinking spiked coffee, watching some netflix, doing errands and chores only if they are a necessity, playing video games, and going to sleep at the most ridiculous hours of night.

I'm slowly going mad. C'est la vie.